The defining the relationship (DTR) conversation can be nerve-racking, but you can learn how to ask a guy where you stand without coming across all needy.
Let’s face it, figuring out how to ask a guy where you stand is scary. If you like him and want things to move forward, this could be an eye opener that you want different things. That is a risk you have to take to be taken seriously and get the respect you deserve.
We have all been dating someone when that time came to define the relationship. The infamous DTR conversation is something many people dread. Either it will lead you to a closer, more intimate connection or it will end things.
If you want things to be casual and he wants things to be more serious, this could make things awkward.
When you’re dating someone you have every right to know where you stand. Are you casual? Are you friends with benefits or are you exclusive? Are you on the path to marriage? Do they see a future with you?
But, it is never that simple, is it? Asking someone where you stand is essentially asking them how they feel about you. That is a vulnerable thing to share, no matter who you are. In relationships, people need reassurance that they are on the same page. Asking a guy where you stand accomplishes that.
Why is it so hard to ask a guy where you stand?
Asking this question has been tainted by romantic comedies, media, and society as seeming needy or being too high maintenance. If you want even the smallest resemblance of a plan or clue into the future, you are asking too much for a lot of guys.
But, if that is the case, you probably got your answer by their lack of answer.
We try so hard to see where we stand with guys without actually coming out and asking the question. It is not just vulnerable for him to admit, but it is twice as scary to ask because it shows you care.
As women, we are taught to care, but balance it with being carefree. We are supposed to like a guy with our actions, but if you come on too strong with our words, we are needy and tying him down.
And we are also taught that all men are afraid of commitment. Even if you’re dating a guy and all is going well, the idea of asking him where you stand brings up so much anxiety because it could scare him off.
These things build up in our minds and make us think that asking such a simple question is so difficult and means so much. And trust me, if you’re feeling all these feelings, you’re not alone. Not by a long shot.
For about eight years of dating, I sat in a cycle of should I ask this question to put myself at ease or should I let it go and be the cool girl who is just so chill?
Well, more often than not, I faked it as the cool girl. I pretended to be chill without knowing what we were. I swallowed my desire for a relationship with mutual respect and communication for some male attention.
But, you can only do that for so long before you think that is all you deserve. I was stuck in these situation-ships. I had a guy in my life that I treated like a boyfriend, yet he treated me like an almost girlfriend. So, I got all the stress with none of the couple selfies, cuddles, or support.
When you let that happen so many times you get used to it. You become accustomed to this as the norm and think it is all you deserve. And once that happens you don’t even think about asking a guy where you stand. Deep down you know the answer.
But it can be so much better. It can be so easy to learn how to ask a guy where you stand. It all starts with knowing your worth, what you want, and not being afraid of the truth.
How to know your worth
Before you build up the courage to ask a guy where you stand, you must build that strength within yourself. It sounds cheesy, but I’m serious.
Until I recognized my worth and what I deserved, I never would have been able to confidently ask this question of a guy I was seeing. I had to learn that I deserved better than the man-child I was used to. I deserved a guy who could answer my questions honestly, even if it made them a little uncomfortable. And I deserved to find a guy that wanted to commit to me.
Once you come to the conclusion that you deserve it, you will have the confidence to be vulnerable. You will know that even if this guy you like isn’t on the same page as you, you will be okay. You know your worth.
When I started dating my now-boyfriend I had come to this realization. I was ready to date casually. However, if I was interested in more I would say something. I deserved better than just sitting back and waiting for a guy to tell me he wanted a relationship.
How to ask a guy where you stand
In my current relationship, I flat out asked my now-boyfriend what he was looking for about four dates in. I knew he could say possibly say nothing serious or just someone to hang out with, but I was prepared for that response.
In past relationships, if I asked this and the guy said nothing serious or was vague, I would agree and act cool like I wasn’t bothered. In this case, I knew I had the strength in myself to say well I want more than that if he were to respond that way.
But, he said he was open to anything, but if things felt right he’d want a relationship. I felt validated and heard. He was able to give me an answer without squirming or evading the question.
Did he answer that way because I went in confident, knowing my worth? I can’t say for sure. But, what I do know is that every time I’ve asked a guy where I stand without confidence and acceptance in any response, I got an answer I was unhappy with.
If you know what you want you cannot be afraid of asking for it. You don’t have to wait for him to let you know when he’s ready. I hate to follow the stereotype, but even if a guy does want a relationship with you, he may not say anything for his own fear of rejection.
You’ll only get what you want if you are willing to go for it and willing to deal with an answer you may not want.
Knowing how to ask a guy where you stand will prevent you from wasting a lot of time with guys that don’t deserve the amazing person you are.