Guest Post from Patrick Banks of Get a Wingman (bio below).
Whether you’re a man or a woman breaking up is always tough. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for several years or 2 months; it’s hard to let go of someone you’ve spent so much amazing time with. The amount of pain you go through depends on how emotionally invested you became during the relationship. If you think you’ve just made the biggest mistake of your life, just hold on and keep reading.
I get it: You probably feel like picking up your phone right now and calling him; you’ve probably been replaying your relationship over and over in your mind, missing him and wondering what went wrong and how it could have been different; maybe you’ve already broken down and called or sent a text proclaiming your undying love. But if you’ve held out this long, maybe you should ask yourself if getting back with your ex-boyfriend is really the smartest thing to do?
No two relationships are alike and there isn’t any secret relationship blueprint you can follow to guarantee things will work out. Consider the facts and make your decision with a clear mind. Instead of asking other people for advice, ask yourself these 3 important questions and write down the answers.
Do you want to get back together with your ex-boyfriend because you’re sure you’ve made a mistake or are you just afraid of feeling lonely?
If you want to get back with your ex because of feelings of emptiness or because you feel lost or you’re afraid of being alone, you’re better off just accepting the breakup. No one person can help you overcome these feelings. You have to overcome them from within. Would you like to be with someone who feels that insecure and needs you? I hope not.
There must have been some reason or deep-seated emotion that caused your breakup.
Is there enough love left in the relationship to make it work if you go back, or will the same problems persist? Before getting back together with your ex-boyfriend, you need to ask yourself whether your relationship with him even makes sense. Wondering whether you want to be with someone or be single has nothing to do with this decision. Try to keep his person separated from the idea of having a boyfriend.
Are you sure it’s not just your hurt ego whispering: “I want him to want me?”
Some women like being the center of attention and that often leads to needy behavior and jealousy. When I look back at my past relationships, at some point most of my girlfriends became sensitive about who I was talking to and what interactions I was having with other women. I don’t want to seem insensitive but if you’re obsessively checking up on what your ex is doing and whom he’s with, you’re stalking him.
It’s easy to misunderstand the facts. If you want your partner back because you’ve just seen him with someone else and are jealous, you better carefully consider your motivations. You should want him back because you love him for who he is and the uniqueness that is his presence and personality, not because you want to possess him. Jealousy can never be the basis of a healthy and stable relationship.
Does he actually want to be with you?
Guys rarely beat around the bush. If you have doubts about whether your ex wants to get back together with you, don’t DO anything and just wait. He’ll reach out to you when he’s ready. Don’t send the wrong message by posting Facebook pictures with another guy or by bringing some random dude to a mutual friend’s party days after your break up.
You don’t have to rush into a new relationship to make him jealous to get him back. You’re better than that and you’re the only person that can make your life complete. It will make him see that you’re a complete person without him. If he doesn’t give you the impression that he’s interested in getting back together with you again, just wait and be nice to him when he reaches out to you. Don’t make things more complicated than they already are. Even if you feel hurt and blame him for what went wrong, don’t pretend that you don’t care about him. He might get confused and that will only make matters worse.
If you don’t hear anything from him, don’t sit back and fret over your lost love. Men most commonly keep busy in order to cope with emotions. Fill in the gaps of your day by hanging out with people, enjoying life, or trying new hobbies or sports.
If you aren’t afraid of being alone or overwhelmed with jealousy but simply love your ex-boyfriend, give him a second chance. Maybe your breakup happened to teach both of you a valuable lesson about how much you truly care about each other, or maybe your relationship will go down hill again and won’t ever work. Don’t rush into things and think carefully about whether it could really work. Remember, it takes two for that to happen.
Patrick Banks is a Berlin based writer with over 5 years of experience providing self-development and dating advice. He is a fierce optimist who believes in the power of making life happen. He shares his opinions on his Wingman Magazine.